May '25

 What is-is

As I sit to write this month I am almost at a loss of where to begin. The last few months have been the most challenging I have experienced in the last decade– and to be honest that is saying a lot.

It began with being served a lawsuit by my landlords, despite having invested a quarter of a million dollars in improvements to their building—only to be forced out of it after COVID. This was followed by the devastating denial by insurance of my beloved’s long-anticipated spinal surgery, which we had hoped would significantly improve his quality of life and allow him to be more active as our kiddos grow.

A week after the denial our pediatrician expressed extreme concerns around physical, and potential neurological, developments with our 9 month old and sent us into weeks of appointments, MRI’s and catastrophizing about the future of our little one’s ability to walk. 

Two days after our last MRI with Cal, Kathi– my Dad’s beloved partner of 20 years & his highschool sweetheart–Grandy to my kiddos and one of the most genuinely kind humans I have ever known, passed quietly with my father by her side after a long fight with ovarian cancer.

Riddled with grief, compassion and adrenaline Ru and I spent time with my family-Ru becoming the therapy dog caring for my Dad and stepsister, never leaving their laps. A week after Kathi’s passing, we also said our final goodbyes to our beloved Ru who had been my faithful companion, friend and co-teacher for 10years. (ps: noro virus ripped though my house at the exact same time as all this was going down–for real y'all, you can’t make this shit up)

With all of the chaos of the prior 6 weeks Terry and I decided to take two nights away to visit his sisters, reconnect and ground. 7am on the first morning away, I  got the call about the flood at Breathing Room and needed to help orchestrate the closing of the studio and fallout of the flood from afar.

(insert big exhale here)

I have been referring to this time as a riptide. Wave after wave crashing over, struggling to stay above the pull of the undertow before another wave comes crashing. Until about a week or so ago I remembered what you are supposed to do when caught in a riptide– surrender. Surrender, trust in your inner strength and know you will get spit out the other side at some point.

And so that has been my practice– Surrendering to what is. With the mantra in my mind and heart: What is–is.

Knowing that whatever waves are coming– are coming. I can’t stop them or ignore them or try to “figure them out”. Resisting will only result in struggle, exhaustion and more suffering. Letting my control over what appears to be go, and staying strong in what is, is the only way forward, the only way through.

So I am slowly making my way back to shore after these storms. Refinding my legs, and being gentle with myself as I navigate this new experience of being.

I was hesitant to share the details of this riptide season of life however I know that these seasons are not isolated to just me. We all get caught in the waves and undertow of life. And my offering to you if you are in one, or making your way out of one, is to surrender to it– let what needs to wash over you wash over. At some point you will be spit out the other side with new perspective you only could have gained by going through. 

Love to all.

Margot

Glimmers to share: 

Cal’s scans came back clear of Cerebral Palsy. We are grateful for this news and have follow ups and  programs set up that are assisting him as he continues to become even more of a giant tiny baby.

The studio will be ok- the floors of the lobby and the bathroom were damaged but can be repaired. And the fight with the landlords will continue but I am hopeful that after everything I have put into these spaces, this community/city, we will make out on top.